A Letter to 24 Hour Fitness.

Dear 24 Hour Fitness,

I will no longer be patronizing of any of your hell-holes facilities, effective today.

Which is a pity, because I've been a loyal member of your club for almost 6 years! I never cheated on you with Bally's, never snuck around your back with Lifetime, ignored the siren call of L.A Fitness...no, I have been true to you since the beginning.

Until yesterday. My husband and I came to your Royal Lane location, me to work out, him to purchase a membership. We had one of your free passes for him to use - you know the free 7-day passes that are available on your website? We've been to your Mockingbird Lane facility, but honey - you really need to upgrade that clunker! (I think some of those machines were around before Richard Simmons was famous...)

So we decided to use the free pass to try out Royal Lane - I used to work out at this location, but quickly tired of being sexually harassed by your patrons AND employees while I was trying to survive level 1o on the elliptical. Seriously now, I hate working out enough as it is, without some ex-convict trying to 'accidentally' brush my gluteus maximus as he wanders by. Really, you could up the security a bit.

We walk in, and are directed to speak to a membership counselor. The membership counselor tries to start a long conversation (by the way, it is 8:15 pm, and we are very tired, people that lead busy lives. I don't have time for the bullcrap conversations with membership counselors.), and my husband explains to her that he was a member of 24 Hour back in the 90's (wow, that seems so long ago), and is trying to decide where we are going to join as a family.

Cue her rude boss jumping in. {Let me just take a moment to ask, do you encourage your male employees to look as frightening as possible? Because this dude was bald, about 6 feet tall, and had on EYELINER. He looked like he just finished sacrificing a baby sheep to a pagan god. For REALS.} Rude, scary-looking boss rudely interrupts membership counselor to loudly inform us that we can't use the pass because Newlywed Husband was a member of 24 Hour Fitness in the 1990's. And that it was IMPOSSIBLE for them to even enter the pass into the system, as it would not work. Really. Do you train your managers that it's rude to interrupt, offend customers, and OH - look like you just walked off the set of a horror movie?!!!

We took a deep breath, and asked your rude membership counselor if we could just buy a monthly membership for Newlywed Husband. He said sure - for $81. I beg your pardon? I'm pretty sure {because I checked yesterday} that the 24 Hour website is advertising $29.99 initiation fee and $29.99 monthly dues - and that is their MOST expensive offer! Hmmm.

Perhaps in addition to etiquette lessons and mandatory employee makeovers you should also consider offering your employees product training as well? Just a friendly suggestion.

Newlywed Husband is completely finished with this situation, so he walks over to the desk and buys a $15 1-day pass. I continue in vain to attempt to explain to your manager that he is quite mistaken about the membership dues, and also that we had tried out the Mockingbird Lane location and the pass worked just fine there. This apparently sent him into a tail-spin, as not ONLY were we not to use the pass if Newlywed Husband had been a member of a 24 Hour fitness over 10 years ago but also we couldn't try out the different locations. Frankly, 24 Hour Fitness, that is the biggest pile of cow poopie I have ever heard. And I told your manager that. I also told him that you had lost our business, and he shrugged nonchalantly and said he didn't care.

In conclusion, 24 Hour Fitness, we will be joining Equinox, or the Premier Club, where we feel like valued patrons, don't have to work out with the creepies (not saying all of your patrons are creepies, but there are a lot of them), and actually get to use equipment that wasn't built in the 1970's!

Oh, and this story about your appalling lack of attention to customer service is now on the internet. Have a great day.